Every couple argues, and needing help does not mean your marriage has failed. It usually means the two of you have been carrying something heavy for a while. The Gottman Institute, which is known for decades of research on couples, lists several red flags that suggest it is time to get support [1]. Here are five worth taking seriously.
1. Criticism and Contempt Have Become the Norm
Gottman separates a complaint from criticism. A complaint is about a specific issue ("I was scared when you were late and didn't call"). Criticism attacks your partner's character ("You never think about anyone but yourself") [2]. Contempt goes further: sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, and treating your spouse as beneath you [2]. The Gottman Institute states that its research identifies contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce [2]. If digs and put-downs are your default tone, that is a strong signal to reach out.
2. One or Both of You Gets Defensive or Shuts Down
Defensiveness (making excuses, reversing blame) and stonewalling (tuning out, going silent) are two more of Gottman's "Four Horsemen." Both make it hard for either person to feel heard, and Gottman notes that defensiveness tends to escalate conflict rather than settle it [2].
3. You Are Drifting Apart
Sometimes the problem is not fighting but silence. Gottman's "drift" describes partners who avoid deep conversations, stop spending time together, and feel lonely even while sharing a home [1]. In a follow-up study of newlyweds, the couples who stayed married had turned toward each other's everyday bids for connection 86% of the time, compared with 33% for couples who later divorced [3]. Small moments of connection matter, and their absence is worth noticing.
4. The Same Argument Keeps Repeating
Gottman reports that about 69% of relationship conflict is over perpetual problems, differences that every couple has [4]. What matters is whether you can talk about them with acceptance. When you cannot, conflict becomes gridlocked, and Gottman says gridlock can lead to emotional disengagement [4]. A counselor can help you find a way to discuss them without wounding each other.
5. Betrayal, Addiction, or Abuse Is Part of the Picture
The Institute's list of warning signs includes adultery, addiction, and abuse, which the article says call for the help of a skilled couples therapist [1]. Pornography use, a hidden affair, or other compulsive behavior can erode trust quickly, and healing rarely happens by willpower alone.
If you ever feel unsafe in your relationship, couples counseling is not the first step. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 [1].
Asking for Help Is a Strength
The Gottman Institute encourages couples to seek help early rather than waiting until problems feel unbearable [1]. Counseling cannot promise a particular outcome, and both partners' willingness matters. Still, it gives you a structured, respectful space to understand what is happening and decide what comes next. Many couples also want their faith to be welcome in that conversation, and it can be.
Take the Next Step
If two or more of these signs sound familiar, you do not have to wait for a crisis. Reach out to Covenant Counseling at 662-380-6644 to set up a free 15-minute initial consultation call, or schedule a full session by creating a client portal account and choosing an open day and time that works best for you.
Sources
- 1.The Gottman Institute. “When Is It A Good Time To Seek Counseling?” Gottman Institute blog.
- 2.The Gottman Institute. “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.” Gottman Institute blog.
- 3.The Gottman Institute. “Turn Towards Instead of Away.” Gottman Institute blog.
- 4.The Gottman Institute. “Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems.” Gottman Institute blog.
